Wednesday, May 27, 2009

water.... i need water....

Still here.

Lithium went from 3000 mg, to 2700 mg. This month it went from 2700 to 1200.

I am fine but sleeping 16 hours a day, and drinking water. i dream of water.....

Cymbalta is still 60 mg.

For some reason I am ravenous.

I have been writing, but the last 3 days I was manic, and I cannot show people my manic writing. Else I wind up in the hospital.

Back to sleep now. Take care

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Happy Memorial Day 09

This is Memorial Weekend, with Monday being Memorial Day.

Most Americans have forgotten about the sacrifices made in WW I , WW II, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and now in Iraq. I haven't forgotten. My father and best friend in real life are veterans.

I may or may not post until Monday night- just taking time to chill, go to some picnics and BBQ;'s with family and neighbors- anything but shop at the mall. And think for a while about the men and women who gave their lives, so I could live in a free country. Thank you all.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I have no mouth, and I must scream.

I feel like the picture of Hello Kitty, in my last post. Have you ever noticed that Miss Kitty has no mouth?

I found this gem tucked in some articles about the APA conference currently being held in San Francisco. It's a good thing I wasn't there covering it, like some people I know- because if I saw it, I might want to throw myself off the Golden Gate in frustration. And I am so afraid of heights I doubt I could ever go near it.

Thisis what the article said,

Interview with: Jeff Guo, Ph.D., University of Cincinnati
WASHINGTON, May 9 -- One-fifth of patients with schizophrenia receive prescriptions for drugs that can cause dangerous interactions when taken in combination, a researcher said here.

Significant adverse effects were rare, but between 18% and 22% of Ohio Medicaid patients under treatment for schizophrenia were given prescriptions for an antipsychotic and one or more other drugs with well-known interaction potential by the same physician or pharmacy, reported Jeff Guo, Ph.D., of the University of Cincinnati.

What's more, 11% to 12% of patients received prescriptions for such dangerous drug combinations from the same provider on the same day, Dr. Guo told attendees at the American Psychiatric Association meeting. Action Points
Explain to interested patients that the study found about 20% of schizophrenic patients got prescriptions for drugs that can interact with other drugs they're taking.

Note that this study was published as an abstract and presented as a poster at a conference. These data and conclusions should be considered to be preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.

"That shouldn't happen," he said, because the interactions analyzed in the study have been described extensively in the medical literature.

The article goes on, explaining what drugs could cause serious interactions.

Aripiprazole (Abilify) with ketoconazole (Nizoral)
Clozapine (Clozaril) with ritonavir (Norvir)
Clozapine with fluvoxamine (Luvox)
Haloperidol (Haldol) with lithium
Risperidone (Risperdol) with fluoxetine (Prozac)


Big speak for it can kill you.

It almost killed me. The doc should have known. If I can find it on the internet why cannot she?


My doctor, who I believed in, should have known better. One month in a rehab hospital, learning to walk again, loosing control of every muscle in my body but my heart, not being able to go to the bathroom without a catheter= not being able to make a bowel movement for over 2 weeks..... Not being able to sleep, lie down or move.....

Why couldn't the doc take 5 minutes to check the interaction? My GP and Gynologocist and Dentist do. I know there are good shrinks out there. I just never met one in my lifetime.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Taking Care of a Sick Cat.

Who ever decided that cats can be pilled and what not, must have been a few fries short of a happy meal.

Holly has an open sore on her neck. She keeps scratching it and scratching it, and it's getting worse, bleeding, lasst night it started to puss. Pus, not puss.

The vet said to get some neosporin spray on it and some bandaids.

I bought the spray at CVS and then bought some band aids. Hello Kitty band aids. What else would you put on a baby girl cat? Dora the Explorer?

Her antics trying to get the bandaid off are worthy of a You Tube Hall of pussy cat fame- right up there with Ninja Cat and Little Sparta.

And it's keeping me up from my sleep. Poor girl.

Anyway, I close with a picture of the true definition of a House CAT.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Rachel Alexandra should have won Eurovision Too

My family is over the moon that Rachel Alexandra, the first filly since 1924 has won the Preakness.

But I cannot help but think- since Eurovision was also yesterday, could she have been the inspiration for the Eurovision entry "My Lovely Horse"?

Channel 4 won't allow embedding from this video, so here is the hyperllink. Enjoy one of the truly great comedy classics.

This video is for you, Rachel Alexandra! I am sure Ted and Dougal had your in mind for this music video!

My Lovely Horse

Friday, May 15, 2009

My Father's beloved chair and cat urine

I know as I write this, I can think of two readers, both male, on different continents who will tell me this is why dogs rule over cats.

For the record, I would have a dog, but since I have been 22 I have lived in apartments which did not allow dogs. Thus, Susan the cat lover was born.

For the record, I also applied for a psychiatric helper dog. No word yet.

Now here is the problem I am facing. I have a chair in my living room that belonged to my father when he was first married to my mother. You know the kind of chair, it's like Archie Bunker's, belonging to the patriarch of the family, and all those who want to sit on it who aren't the patriarch tremble before it, because their bottoms are not worthy for it's glory and leather. When I was a toddler, my father used to sit on the chair, reading the New York Times, and I would sit on his lap, tugging the paper, to get huggies from him.

Eventually, over the course of my parent's marriage, the chair got upgraded 3 times, so when I moved into my current apartment I inherited the first incarnation of said chair. I put a blanket on it, and made it the cat's chair.

Fine. A month or so ago, the cat decided to urinate on the blanket. I washed the blanket several times, and washed down the chair with soap, water, Nature's Miracle and Fabreeze. All fine.

But the smell still lingers. I keep spraying it with Fabreeze, but it's driving me batty.

My mom and dad said it't time to retire said chair to the dumpster. It's over a half century old. But as for me- who has collected furniture from a relative who brought it over from Europe via Ellis Island -I don't like to throw things out.

Any help would be appreciated, and if the chair goes, I will need a few strong men to lift the chair into the dumpster, I will pay back with beer, cokes and pizza.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Andy Behrman on Abilify

To many of us, Andy is known as Electroboy, after his book and upcoming movie. He was also the spokesman for Abilify, from Bristol Myers, Squibb.

Andy had some nasty side effects from Abilify, which he has discussed with journalist Philip Dawdy, here and here. He stopped being the spokesman over this. He had a piece in today's Wall Street Journal, Tonight he made a video, a must see. It's short, sweet and straight to the point. I doubt it will win an Oscar, but it is extremely good and much watch TV

Wordless Wednesday one day late

I meant to post this yesterday, but in the thrill of seeing Bitter Animator write a cartoon about my bear idea- (and the bear is very cute), I forgot to post this.

Astronauts have picked up Hubble telescope for repairs.

Here are some beauties from Hubble.

I wish I could have done better at higher math. I would have loved to be an astronomer.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What a shout out! And a picture to boot!

Yesterday I mentioned an idea that instead of pills, we could use hugs and teddy bears to make us feel better.

Imagine my surprise this morning to see one of my favorite bloggers, Bitter Animator, not only likes my idea- he liked it so much that he made a cartoon about it.

I got the teddy bear idea for several reasons......

1. I seem to have put on seven pounds from the 45 I lost last year, and now it's time to pull out the shorts. .......Eiii.....

2. I really was jonsing for a hug from someone, and I couldn't with the weight gain, go the familiar ice cream route, even if the supermarket across the street had Cherry Garcia for $2.50 a pint.

3. I had run out of one of my drugs, Cymbalta, and ended up missing a day and a half dose and coming down with a headache just a hair short of a migraine from it.

So I crawled into bed, took out my panda bear, and got my old stuffed tiger, Tigger (after Winnie The Pooh) out of the box he is sleeping in because I have had him since my 4th birthday and he is most fragile. I took them in bed with me and felt much better.

Hence, why not give teddies instead of scripts from your doc to make you feel better?

Life should be this simple. And lets face it, they could re tool all the Big Pharma plants to manufacture bears, so no one would loose their jobs, everyone is happy..... and live happily ever after.

Please add Bitter to your blog rolls. For a price of a daily post- you get a great read and a cartoon. A toofer!

I feel like I just won a Nobel.......

Just for fun-

Proof Positive Big Pharma is going to the dogs..

or who let the dogs out???

Personally I think Big Pharma should switch from drugs to Milk Bones.They would still make money,as long as the Milk Bones aren't Prozac flavored for sad dogs, and Viagra flavored for older doggies that need to be put out for stud puporses... ( Pun intended. Pup, puppies? ).

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mercury is in Retrograde

Yep, Mercury is in retrograde, my shrink who I am thinking of dumping isn't helping with this lithium lowering- and I am worried sick about Gianna, who is going to a Center to get help with her med withdrawal and I want her to get better. She is a lovely woman, and everything I learned about med tapering, I learned from her blog.

Mercury is causing problems with talking, phones, writing... .UGH! I hate when Mercury does this. The whole world should just stop for 3 weeks and work on getting a tan like George Hamilton, for peete's sake.

And now I am worrying about a friend's son going into the war- and a very sick doggie who may go to the Rainbow Bridge.

I know, I know. Everyone has their own cross to bear. And mine is saying right now you aren't good to anyone, including your family, friends, or this blog. Go into your bed, cuddle up with a good book and stay there. Call your friend and beg him to come over because you are having suicidal ideations and all t hat is in schizophrenia.

And I realize one thing. The world would be a much better place if there were no pills to make us better, but just teddy bears.

Real Housewives of NJ- rant

Tonight, Bravo TV is premiering the next installment of their "Real Housewives" franchise.

I just want to say on record, I have lived in NJ for 99 percent of my life- I've never met a woman from NJ like these....

Thank you Bravo for really really going into the stereotypes that people think of when they think of NJ. I was proud of Bruce when he sang "Nothing's better in the whole wide world/when you're in love with a Jersey girl".

I still get a lump in my throat.

But now- seeing these women on TV-it just makes me sad. Einstein spent his last years in Princeton, NJ. I wonder what he would say if he saw this show.

I don't think it would be "Pass the popcorn, darling".

Anyway, the show is free for downloading on itunes this week. Granted- it;s fun, light, mindless entertainment, perfect for the summer, to sit on the sofa with a glass of ice tea- but why oh why, can't these women live in Greenwich? It's just a very very small percentage of actual people in NJ who live like this, something I think even the lovely ladies in the show would agree.
And I want to know why there were no other cars on the parkway when they were driving on it. That never happens.

BTW, The NY Times loved it. Which don't get me wrong. I liked it too. Mindless fluff is good. I just want to say I've never met anyone in real life like these women. At least, not in NJ. Which may be a good thing. I wouldn''t think I would know what to say - after I stopped drooling at the cars and trying to figure out which designer did the clothes, the shoes and the bag and don't you love window shopping at Short Hills? (I do, but being unemployed, you cannot buy anything).

Monday, May 11, 2009

Something for fun- on a very bad day

When I get like this, The Simpsons and Spongebob make things better. I accidently hurt one of my dearest friends in the universe and now I feel like shit.

I don't know if I can make things right, but- I can try to make people laugh. Thats me. Too nice and the peacemaker, never get anyone upset. If I was older, I could have been the next Henry Kissinger.

All good and well, I would give it all back to have her as a friend again.

Last night's new episode of the Simpsons. One of the few shows still on TV that hasn't jumped the shark.
Please go to counter- It's a take off on my favorite Shakespeare play- Macbeth- and one of the five books I would want if I was on a desert island- The Fountainhead.

And also we get Homer as Sir Walter Raleigh, Aunt Selma as the first Queen Elizabeth- and even better- Homer as MacBeth reciting the first piece of Shakespeare I ever memorized. "She should have died hereafter..." Act V, Scene V.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Old Gray Lady Finally Got it Right

Probably the best piece written on depression during my lifetime - besides those by A. Alvarez, and the late William Styron

Thank you New York Times.

A Journey Through Darkness

Two things I noticed, it's like the author, Daphne Merkin, has been in my shoes. Listen:

(Picture from the New York Times)

The other thing is what my friend Sherry said to me in a letter.

Did you catch the reference to "the writer I once was"? I thought of you.

Sherry you hit the nail on the head. This thing called depression- manic depression has cost me my everything. My entire life. Just not my soul- yet. I am terrified of that day.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Happy Mothers Day

Sunday is Mother's Day. It's a day for cards, flowers, chocs, and just telling mom how much you love her, and how much those little stretch marks mean to you she got from carrying you in the first place.

I think of a few women I know on line, who are extraordinary mothers. One who has kept going for her family after her son suicided. Another, a woman who never gave up and kept on going when the entire state of Washington wanted to put her daughter in a mental hospital and lock the door, throw away the key and leave her to rot for 60 years until her natural death.

I want to to make this clear. I am not a mother. I joke about being a cat mother- but it's not the same, unless I was the actual cat who gave birth to my three cats I have shared my life with.

But I do know that motherhood (and fatherhood) are the toughest jobs in the universe. You think the President is hard work? Try being a mom of a toddler, or a teenager, or a baby with the colic. That's hard. How difficult is it to know from the moment the baby is born, mother and father are responsible for it, for all it's needs, cares, comfort and to teach right from wrong. Dr. Joy Browne, a Radio Shrink on WOR radio in NYC says Parents give children "roots and wings".

Roots and Wings. I like that.

Every person I know who is a mother , says the best day of their life was the day their child was born. I can believe that. All pain from labor is gone, when they put that small wrinkled baby in your arms and you take your first look at something that has been kicking you for 9 months. I don't doubt it. The best day of my life was the day I held my best friends new born baby, he was 12 hours old and he still had the new baby smell. He was the most perfect, beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

And I think of my mom. She didn't know when she adopted me, she was getting a child with a brain different than the other toddlers. I think she thought she was getting a cute, blond haired, blue eyed, child that was slightly precocious. She and my dad never realized in their wildest dreams or nightmares, that this beautiful baby would be different than the rest of the family, uncomfortable around people, prefer the company of a book (indeed reading at 2), make a suicide attempt at 4 years of age, and again in 7th grade. A baby who grew up to be a woman who never felt comfortable in her skin, and always felt, and still does, it's like the whole world disappeared and she is the last human alive and that's OK.

I have caused my mom a lot of heart ache in her life time, she shouldn't have experienced . 5 hospitalizations in psychiatric facilities. 2 hospitalizations for tonsils (they grew back) and one for pneumonia. Several suicide attempts. A crash and burn out in Grad School, where I am still dealing with the loss of my broken dreams. My mom would make a great grandmother, as her mother was a great grandma to my sister and me. And yet, this is something I cannot give to her. Instead she always gave me an ear when I needed it, took me to the city every summer when I hit adolescence for a Broadway matinee twofer- and lunch in some hoity toitey restaurant. How my mom was more excited going shopping for my wedding gown than I was.

Instead my my mother always provided comfort. Comfort when my sister and I were small and we would be driving to visit her mother in Brooklyn, she would play games with us like with the oil depositories on exit 12 and 13, of the New Jersey Turnpike- how many color red cars can we spy? When I had pneumonia, she would kiss me every night and tuck me in and I felt safe and secure like I did when I was a child and wished I could go back to my childhood with my baby teddy and doctor dentons and my mother tucking me in.

Now, even in my most mad, most psychotic episodes, most suicidal, it's for my mother I cry out for. She is like Wonder Woman, and will wave a magic wand and make everything better.

And I feel the old Jewish guilt- I haven't been a good daughter. This illness has robbed me of really knowing my mother, really being her friend. No grandchildren to qvell about.

So this Mother's Day, my feelings are mixed. I love my mother more than anything. I just wish I was more like her. And that includes having a brain like hers, to lead a normal life.I hope I can still lead a normal life. I just hope, she knows this and accepts that. And loves me anyway.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Have meds changed your personality?

I know a lot has been said about side effects from meds ruining people's life, such as weight gain, ED, etc.

But I cannot help but wonder, if anyone has noticed personality changes with the meds they are on? Were you once a happy go lucky person, and now you are a worry wart? Do you suffer from OCD, something you never had before? Have you suffered from suicidal ideation?

Please contact me at


thank you.

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