Thursday, March 20, 2008

I just want to sleep

I dont want to do anything else, jist sleep.

I am mot im crisis, my podc is aware. SHE thinks ir;s Seroqul withdral.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Getting off Seroquel

It continues to be heck as I get off this Seroquel. I;m sleeping 20 hour days!!!!!

I have a bowl of Corn Flakes and back to sleep. MY stomach feels funny,

And for the record-my parents would do anything for me, as well as other family members. I just want them to experience my life in my eyes for 24 hours. So I don't hear the various platitudes I hear. But I know they love me with every fibre of their being, as do I.

My mom has been a real doll. She knows I am too sick to drive, so shes been picking me up and taking me to the grocery store, docs appts, etc. etc.

Now,. a very nice Seroquel nap is calling me..

Friday, March 14, 2008

I cannot shake it

I cannot shake these blues. Everything was fine with the doctor yesterday. But I cannot sleep. Or I over sleep. I just want to sleep. What is going on?
Still can not eat, but got a full fridge thanks to my mother.

I just want to go to sleep for a while. I am sorry for my kind readers. I owe you a stellar piece.

I wish my brain would coopererate.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

This time the depression is different

This time my depression is different. I cannot think, I am afraid of most things. Like driving.Easting. i have not eaten anything but milk in a week.

I cannot tell anyone I don';t want to go into the hospital.

I use to be so happy, things didn't n=bother me. Now I cannot even type. hunt and peck,

I spoke to my pdoc yesterday. Despite having a coffee cup that said "Seroquel" on it, she listened to me, All this is from the /geodon. Heart palpatatons and high blood pressure.

Sleep is a release.

I cannot sleep, I need to write. I cannot write,

Is this really life??

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

20 hours a week

Came back from the pdoc. Meds were adjusted, one removed because I said so and followed the advice of a sagacious person.

Back to 20 hours a sleep a day now.

Trying to come up with something good article wise as well. Stay with me kind people.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

and now for something completely different.

I have to admit when I am blue some things just cheer me up. The little things that remind me of childhood. Watching half an hour of Spongebob Square Pants in my bunny slippers. A cup of hot chocolate in the wintertime, with little marshmallows. Playing in the snow. I really love this time of year.

One of my guilty TV pleasures is a British Comedy called
“Red Dwarf”, and another is an Adam Sandler comedy movies. Both these things take me away for a bit out of the present and into a funny place where I can laugh and feel safe.

So this weekend I rented the new Adam Sandler movie that just came out on DVD. A year ago.I had wanted to see it when it came out in theatres, but never got around to it. The story in a nutshell is nothing new, stressed man gets a universal remote control that makes him fast forward the boring parts of his life. Unfortunately, he also used it to fast forward the good parts of life, like the entire weekend, so he could work on a project and get that promotion. So while he is working in real time on the promotion, he is living his life on fast forward. Stick with me, the movie does work!

Of course there is the standard epiphany, straight out of something an angel like Clarence would give- Adam Sandler realizes he has fast forwarded 30 or 40 years of his adult life up to the moment when he dies. (you cannot fast forward that!). And he realizes he has missed out on his children growing up, his wife becoming dissatisfied and subsequently divorcing him. (In hindsight, maybe it’s a GOOD thing not to recall your divorce!).

His dying words to his son, who has become just like him, another work-aholic, is “Family comes first”.

Of course, there is a twist, and I don’t want to ruin this for anyone, but this movie, much like my favorite holiday movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”, is that something happens to you to show you that you really do have a good life and are valuable.

But believing it is another thing. And realizing that your family does come first again, is another thing.

Over the years I have whinged at psychiatrists, therapists and support groups that I wish I had an angel like Clarence who would show me I had a wonderful life. That every time I was on the brink of ending it all, Clarence would say “Sophy, don’t! You have a wonderful life!”

Have I?

This illness has robbed me of one thing- parts of my life. Like the Adam Sandler movie, I have chosen to fast forward when my life has gotten to hard for me to handle. My fast forward is called SLEEP. I have been guilty of hyper sleep, and when I don’t know what to do, I will seek the comfort of a good 4-hour nap. And by doing this, I believe I have slept more than the standard 1/3rd of my life away. I think I am up to a higher fraction. Maybe 40-45 percent. Life I cannot get back, life I have lost by not living it. Time I did not spend with my parents. Time I could have been doing volunteer work, going for walks to loose weight, reading or taking adult ed courses to keep my brain active. Even a second job when the money was tight. I chose the easy way out, by sleeping.

Don’t get me wrong. Sleep is important. But not when you don’t need it, not as a mean as escaping, not when it is taken over spending time with your family because you don’t want to.

One of the things mu ex husband has decided that is important, is once the meds help us feel better to take control of our lives, we MUST work on recovery. We cannot think the meds are going to do all the work. I am a member of AA- with a 10th anniversary sobriety date as of this past September. I know every day I must work at this, and recovery from my bipolar is just the same. I cannot wait for Clarence to stop me and say I have a wonderful life. I have to eliminate the middleman, and live it myself.


Thanks to all my new friends, this blog is getting heavily traffic-ed until the last two days.

I have to be honest, the timing was not good.

I had a biopsy last Thursday and find the results in 2 days.

It wasn't what you think it was for, it was bone marrow. Hurt like anything. Still does. I am sleeping about 20 hours a day and my well for this blog is dry dry dry.

I think of this blog all the time, but please forgive me. It's too painful to sit and write , and the pain has killed any creativity.

I;lll be back as soon as I am able.

Monday, March 10, 2008


This has never happened before. I am hypo sleeping, 20 hours a day. I don't wamt to be awake. I cannot write, I cannot tell you my last meal was. Is this normal?

I should be writing, all I want to do is sleep.

For this I am sorry.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

high anxiety

Does anyone suffer from high anxiety? Not the movie, but the actual thing?

Can you give me any tips?

Thank you

Saturday, March 8, 2008


I cannot sleeping. I;m too acutely depressed. My writing world is dry, and I cannot type from the lithium shakes.

I hope it pqasses//

Friday, March 7, 2008

cannot stop sleeping

Procedure was 2 days ago and all I want to do is sleep.

I will have something soon, I just don't know when. Please bear with me. my well seems dry.

Meanwhile, if any one has ideas, let me know?!!!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

off to dreamland

home and right side of my ass is sore, having had the surgical procedure. They want me to sleep most of today, so off I go to dreamland.

Thank you all for concern

blog roll needs blogs!

I need some blogs of note for my blog roll.

Anything goes, but I have to like them.

Any ideas, please tell me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

it isn't your eyes or your rss feeds

I was advised to take a few things/entries from the site down about tomorrow's procedure. 

 It's not your eyes or your rss feeds.

stranger things have happened

It's funny, I am quite sanguine about the medical test tomorrow..   what not, which I understand hurts like the dickens. It's all part of life, and the only part that came with a guarentee is taxes and death.

I just cannot keep thinking, why me? Is this a cosmic test? 

I don't  have any long pieces in me today.  Even a short vignette.  I am sorry for that too.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Taking a day off or two/bad depression

Depression is so bad I can barely get out of bed right now and write. I just took my morning meds, 


I am going back to bed. It's one of those days, and the creative well is dry.Hopefully it will come back in a day or two.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

sleep from meds being cut down?

One of the things I have noticed when I am depressed I hyper sleep. It feels good, and I cannot stop.

That has been my life the last couple of days. I cannot stop. It's like I don't know what to do with myself during the day. So I sleep. MY meds are being cut in half, only Seroquel is updated. I really just want to sleep. 

Is this normal?

on one vistoril pill
600 mg lithium
2 congentins, (2x a day)

2 klonepins

one more that excapes me, plus pain pill from my back.

My talk in 2 weeks.

I am giving a talk next month, whoops,  March!!!!. to about 300 people and this is the topic. The only thing that has changed is
1. I am on meds
2. I am currenty unable to work.

I am currently working on re writing this, so this one might be raw., but good. 

I could feel my blue eyes opening, and the light was harsh. I shielded them with my palm, trying to wake. I gradually accustomed myself, and noticed, this was a twin size bed I was in, not my normal full size. My beloved cat was not nestling besides me, nor did I have the teddy that served as a sentinel since I was four. I thought for a moment, I was back in time, back in Graduate School, where life was good, and I shared a house in my state’s capital with four other young women. But as I tried to move, I noticed I couldn’t move. There was an IV attached to my arm, and one of those heart monitors like you would see on ER. And I was strapped down to the bed. It was the present, 1994, and I had been out of school for seven years. I could hear the doctors and nurses running by me, ignoring me. I had no idea where I was, I figured it was in the emergency room of Princeton Hospital. I asked the nurse what day it was as she ran by me. It was a Sunday morning, at four or five in the morning, and I wondered what the heck had I done again, since I took all those pills on Friday night? and why in Heaven’s name, couldn’t I succeed in killing myself?
I am a manic-depressive. I was one of those people, who were misdiagnosed in my early twenties as depressive, but this hospitalization in my early thirties, would evaluate me as bipolar, with a difference, I was an ultra rapid cyler. This was not my first suicide attempt. This was one of many, starting with all the sturm und drang of adolescence. This would be my last serious attempt. I cannot begin to count all the times I have wanted to "shuffle off this mortal coil", as Hamlet said. I have tried pills, more times waking up to be Exorcist sick. I tried to use a hose to my car’s exhaust, not realizing I had a catalytic converter, which went on before I could fall asleep. I have thought of throwing myself off the Empire State Building, but I am deathly afraid of heights and have vertigo. And I have tried to slit my wrists, but could not get the razor blade out of that pink plastic Gillette razor. (Curse you Gillette!)
And I have been blessed with the mania, suffering for three years straight without crashing to anything other than mild depression. I was gifted then, doing two masters degrees and holding down three part time jobs. I had poems professionally published. Looking back they were nothing but masterful Sylvia Plath imitations. I And I was correct for the longest time. And then, just like the all time perfect day, it ended. It had to. A person cannot be manic for three years without illegal drugs, one has to crash eventually.
And I crashed. And what I learned was the same lesson every other manic-depressive or bipolar has learned. There is a hard side with genius. It is almost like what the ancient Greeks believed that the Gods give us unique things and talent with a huge price attached. And one of the prices that have affected every sufferer of this disease is both the mercurial aspect and the melancholy. Yes some of the greatest pieces of literature, art, music, and philosophy have been done by people who have suffered from this. And on the other hand, how many of us have looked at our wrists and wished you could put a razor blade or a box cutter on the vein, and allow your pain and heartache to ebb out, along with your life? And how many of us have had medication or alcohol to try to calm down the beasts in our head, leaving us comfortably numb?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Susan I am a manic depressive, living on the East Coast of the US. I  when I wrote this piece , I had  full-time job, and make a good living. I am in my late thirties, never married. No children by choice, I can’t see myself passing on this illness to a child of mine. Something that I know I am most fortunate to do, considering my hospitalizations, and treatments. The only thing worse than my manic depression is my stubbornness, which I am convinced I can show everyone who thinks I should be institutionalized for the rest of my life, that I can be a productive citizen.
As I write this I just got out of a four-day depression. That was four days of my life where getting out of bed was painful, so I didn’t except to use the toilet and feed my cat. It was too painful to get dressed. I looked at the pile of laundry and its too difficult to do that. It’s been too difficult to do anything, even thinking. Instead I sit in bed, hyper sleeping and listing to talk radio as white noise. And think about how I wish I had an exacto knife so I could slit my wrists and end it. And not having the energy to do it. And cursing myself now, because tomorrow I have to go to work. I have one clean outfit left, because I was too depressed to get out of bed, and did not go to the laundromat. and right now, I am so sad I don’t want to be around anyone, I want to be a hermit. I don’t want to feel anything , no emotions, nothing. Instead I have to put on a smiley face and make believe that all is well, when I feel it isn’t. And I sit here now, typing and wishing I could go into manic phrase, because I need it. I want it. And the guilt that I have spent four days of my life, which I can never get back, thanks to this horrible curse or blessing in my genes, depending on your viewpoint. To me it is neither a curse or a blessing. It's my entire life. And I wish, yes I wish I was normal.
Perhaps that is why I don’t take medication. I tried them all, they made me sick. And frankly, there is something about taking those little pills that numbs your creativity. You lose that perceived edge. You want to be normal, the lithium makes your skin crawl and you can’t keep food down. I have spent days in a fetal position on the bathroom floor waiting for lithium to get into my bloodstream. Depakote makes you fat. And Depakote takes away the highs and the lows. And without the highs and the lows you would be human. Just human. Not invincible. Just a regular guy. I would love to be a regular guy. But I find when the Depakote normalizes into my bloodstream, I cannot think. I become like a stroke victim - unable to think clearly. I forget things. I cannot dream. I have no creativity. And I cannot function. I do not like living like a puppet or a small child with people telling me what to do and what not to do. And that is how I get on meds.
So to the chagrin of my shrink, I am med free. I have a suicide number here when it gets bad. I know to call 911 and tell them to take me to the hospital. My shrink thinks I am a walking time bomb, but in fact I may just be one a very small minority who cannot take meds. I know there are some. And I look at other people who can take them and live full lives. Unfortunately, I find these people few and far between. After I wrote this piece in 2002 I went back to meds in2003.

I have just found out about my birth family. I have always known I have been adopted, but I never saw the medical records. And now I have. I learned for the first time my maternal grandmother suffered from this illness. A great great grandmother was institutionalized and lobotomized because of this. A great grandfather killed himself. I come from a long line of alcoholics, and several of my uncles as well as 2 grandparents suffered from this. Alcohol and manic depression go hand in hand. If you want proof, look at John Berryman. If he didn’t kill himself, his liver would have given out.

But the thoughts race. I do not like that. The doctor prescribed Ritalin. I felt a huge surge of energy and rode my bike for 20 some miles before I stopped. I felt sick. I went to a police station and they called my folks to pick me up. And called my shrink who said I was having a toxic reaction to Ritalin, very rare. So when the thoughts race, I feel as if I am possessed.
Suicide scares me. I know how easy it would be to take a razor and watch my life ebb out. I think about it constantly. I know if I screw up, I will wind up in the hospital. I do not want to wind up there again. So I have made a pact with myself, not to do it unless it gets so bad because if I miscalculate- the consequences is worse than death. The guy who wrote "Suicide is Painless", the theme song from MASH, had it wrong. It is painful.
I once had my stomach pumped. That was hell. No one said it hurts. On TV an overdose is treated as something glamorous. It does not hurt. Bullsheetrock. It hurts. Or if they cannot pump your stomach, they give you ipac- and you vomit for hours. Eventually you have nothing left in your system and you are still vomiting. For days afterwards with an OD you cannot eat. So they have you on an IV drip. And you cannot sleep because every 15 minutes a nurse comes by and pokes you and checks your eyes to make sure you are still with us. You have a heart monitor on. And the worst thing is, the doctors ignore you. They think you are selfish for doing what you did. You are taking up their valuable time when they can be helping someone else. And I cannot say I blame them. I feel ashamed and unclean by my stigma, by my illness. I know it's an imbalance on the brain, but I did not ask for it.
I wish I was normal. I look at friends and colleagues at work. They have spouses and children, and I have no one. I am going to grow old by myself. I am scared of that. That in itself is enough to make me wish to take my life.
But I know my moods will be hard for someone to live with. I know if I was a man, it would be easier for someone to put up with me, but in this society, men do not want to be caregivers. A man is not going to understand why I can write for 36 hours straight, breaking only to refill the glass of water by my right hand or to use the toilet. A man is not going to understand the urge I get at four in the morning to clean. Or worse, bake, or ride my bike. And someone, anyone will not understand the depression, the mind numbing, aching when its too painful to get out of the bed, to get dressed or talk. All you can do is cry. Fortunately the depression does not happen often, but when it does, its hard. Who wants to be around someone like that?
I don’t even know if I would want to be around me when this happens.
So here I am. A study in conflicts. On one hand, I hold down a professional, responsible job. I know if the company I worked for found out about this aliment, I could be sacked. I am a published author on the side. And on the other hand, right now I am acutely suicidal. I know I will not act on it , or I tell myself this. This aliment has caused me to be the black sheep of the family, I am not invited to any family events , weddings, funerals, etc because I was hospitalized. I was cut out of the family will on my second suicide attempt. This is all ignorance. I do not like people who are ignorant. What I have is no different than being a juvenile diabetic. It was something I was born with. I cannot change it.
All I can hope is there will be a med that I can use, so I can live a tolerant life. I want to be like everyone else.
And I want whoever should read this to know, you are not alone

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